Normally when I come up to my anniversary its with a positive attitude. I look back on the year, and all though I've most definitely faced bad times, there's a hundred more good that's come.
But this year I don't really feel that sense of optimism I always have.
For the first time in all these years I have really felt stuck.
Care has just been rubbish and all the confidence and zest for living I have gained is just being lost. The company I'm with just offers no consistency, it's like they don't even try any more to provide someone that could come on a permanent basis, allowing me to have confidence in someone, and be out in the world. I'm back relying heavily on my mum. I don't want to ask to do things because it's another thing she has to do that she shouldn't. So I'm home, lucky in that if I get out once a week.
The situation is made more infuriating in that we are trying to change, switching to a plan that will allow for me to hopefully have all that I need, but we are a year into the process now and nothing has changed. You are moved from one person to the next, phone calls, emails, meetings filled with promises of pushing things on, moving forward. To be left weeks later phoning, emailing, looking for the same answers.
How am I supposed to move forward, get a job, when I would have to schedule in a job interview with my mums work schedule, her most likely having to book a day off to take me.
I have so many plans, so much I want to do, but everything is just on hold, and it's taken its toll on me this year. Being in a low place is never something I talk about, I only tell those close to me when I feel like I'm on the other side. I don't want people to have that extra worry, everyone is doing the best they can for me, and I couldn't ask or want more from those around me.
It's not about being lonely, it's just having that nothing. Growing up my life was filled with hobbies, after my accident I threw myself into education, which for me has always been something I loved. Then I found the confidence in both myself and care to be able to do all those simple fun things I had always loved to do, without having to figure out weeks in advance. I could just go to the cinema, go to the supermarket and buy stuff to make pancakes. This years it's all gone. I'd even lost my enthusiasm for blogging because I just don't feel I have anything to say.
There has been good, great things come of this year and I'm beyond grateful to be here and be apart of those moments. See my cousin and one of my best friends get engaged, another of my best friends get married and be right there besides her as her bridesmaid. The announcements of little babies joining our lives. All those little moments of happiness, laughs shared, time spent. It's these I hold on to as I move forward. I only have hope for what comes next. Hope that things come together, hope that I find my next path, even if it's just a step.
And as always I just want to say thank you, to everyone around me, you make this journey worth every up and down, your love and support big or small makes every hurdle that much easier.
Especially you momma, I love and appreciate everything, more than you could know. Even when you pull my hair :)