Saturday, 4 October 2014

Back to uni

I started back at university on the 29th of September, 3rd and final year.

This year i was terrified, and have been consumed by anxiety, even more so than my first, which is ridiculous.

Now i know who's in my classes and what to expect from my lectures, and i know my lecturers are really understanding and helpful, so why the 'effin anxiety?!

My first day back i was able to push through it, but i cheated and managed to talk my mum into driving over with us (big baby, i know).

I thought i'd be okay once my first day was done

But no...

My next class was on Thursday at 2

I didn't sleep Wednesday and the Thursday, well i was going to give up and quit. I had to stop myself from crying all morning, and my heart was just racing. I just felt like i was constantly on the verge of a panic attack.

I really did think that that was it and it was just going to be to much.

Of course once i was in the swing of things my anxiety melted away.

The lack of security and the pressure i've put on myself is most definitely the cause, and knowing this makes the vicious circle of anxiety worse. These things won't change any time soon, so the anxiety isn't going to go, which just makes you feel worse.

This year i haven't had anything set in place, Help has been ridiculous so i haven't had time to build confidence in anyone, so knowing if i can even get to lectures is a big issue.

Plus my health is so up and down, and with a pretty impossible 12 hour day on Mondays, i don't want to fall behind.

I want to do well, and the thought of failure ... eurgh

I hate it, but i'm doing my best and just taking it day by day

I want this to much

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