Hmm.... Back to uni Monday
And my emotions are more up and down than the first time round.
Im properly terrified, even more so than last time.
I'm starting pretty close to the 'anniversary' of my accident, so not only do i have the uni anxieties, i have the annual 'what am i doing with my life, i feel like i'm missing out on the life i should be living, i'm scared about what's to come' kinda feelings.
I've really felt it this year, this month.
It's a good job i had all my holiday pictures to keep posting, because with a mix of mum working loads and therefore stealing the car, and me just feeling a bit blahh, i haven't really been upto much.
I hate having these moods because i am happy, but every now and then, a little more often this year, i dip. I think it's more this year because everyone around me are in places where they have a plan, amazing plans, things i wish i could do, but can't.
I always say if i want to do something i would, because a lot of the time it's the anxiety that stops me.
I won't go to clubs because i'm terrified
I can't see me travelling because i'm terrified
I dred going out for meals with friends because i'm so anxious about asking them to cut up my food, and people watching me it
Shopping, i'm overly anxious about being judged for buying a new top.
I feel crap for a while, then tell myself i'm being silly.
I fill my days doing lots of things i know i'm happy doing, then maybe one or two that push the boundaries a little. Then i'll be content, for a long time, id have come to a point that i feel like it's not just the anxiety, and i am happy doing what i do. Which is true.
I'm happy staying in at a weekend, watching films, having a chinese.
Going to pretty cafes, for afternoon tea
Gentle drunken nights at home or pub.
But i know that if i wasn't in this situation i'd have finished uni years ago, i'd be out bustling my moves most weekends, living away from home, i'd have travelled, and would most likely be staying with my friend in australia as i write.
And yeah my accident would slow down my plans, but it's the anxiety that's stopping me.
It sucks, it really does, but i am still sticking with the slow down of plans, not a stop, because i will get there eventually.